I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
