Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
you are hot. that is all.
who is this?
the delivery driver from silvermine.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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