Already got asked if we're dating
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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