dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
