Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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