Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
She's not a foreskin expert like you
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
