my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
