You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
