I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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