Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
