you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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