my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
