wrigley field is MILF paradise
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
Randomize
