When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
