i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
