You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
