god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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