I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
Randomize
