laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
