My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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