so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i out mim tonsoeep
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