im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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