your butthole totally puckers for the ginge
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Randomize