The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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