His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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