Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
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