i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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