There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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