just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Randomize
