you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Randomize