dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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