My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
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