Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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