I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Semen is not good for contacts.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
We had sex on his sofa while his friend cheered and threw bugles at us
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Randomize
