When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
My penis needs a shock collar
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
