i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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