We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
My goal tonight is to be arrested by the Police Women of Cincinnati.
Randomize
