Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She's not a foreskin expert like you
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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