he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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