party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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