Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Your shirt... Was in my pants
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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