I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
