Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
