Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Randomize
