Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Randomize
