I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
