; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
