Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
