god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
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