Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
