Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
