Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
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