Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
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