I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
