I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
What a dumb baby whore.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
