I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
