This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
I'm setting goals and achieving them. I'd say I'm quite mature for my age.
You're goal was to fuck him and you don't even remember it.
Randomize
