There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I want to fling myself into the sun
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
