Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Randomize
