I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
